With one exception, I am not close to those I was born to. My life and choices have been very different than my brothers and sisters, parents. I have been described, at best, as weird, at worst as dangerous. I try to force myself into a closer relationship that doesn't make me feel like myself. Since I've been in Georgia, I have had less and less communication over state lines. I came to be more of my own in that time- of what struggle and motherhood had be become. I was told I don't act like myself when my friends are around. I need to be more like myself. Truth is, I am not myself when my family is around. Our connection is on a cellular level, not a soul one. I feel the absence of what was not there. I am told I am somehow to blame. I think to much on that idea because it makes little sense to me. I'm trying to put logic to something too intangible for it. I need to understand that it is what it is. I need to understand that my siblings don't know that either.
The family reunion is next week. I have attended every one since The Big ToDo in 1992. Mom believes it has run it's course. She and every one of the 6 kids have hosted, along with the both aunts from the Watts side. She feels we have finished and there should be no more. The Watts' need not come together after this year. Her sentiments bother me very much. What bothers me more is I'm not sad about not going. My indifference is unsettling. I have no affinity with my blood kin, save my brother Kevin. The thing that binds us most is being outcasts of our nest. He has had much the same kind of life. He feels the same lacking. We spent hours trying to make sense of it or put it down. We were unsuccessful.
With Dad gone, I have little to draw me back.
I struggling to know if it's ok for me to choose to be orphaned.
I sent you a message. I identify with this totally. I forgot to add it is natural I think to create your own family when you are willing to be a unique individual separate from the identity your family has adopted. On some level I'm an orphan too. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI think back, and it wasn't always this way really. I was the one who was come to for amusement, support and advise. When my life came to a point where I genuinely needed the same, it was not returned. Help me find a solution was met with I won't stand by while you are abused. Usually that means extrication. For me it was isolation. When I was not the strong one, I was the wrong one. I spent hours listening to venting frustration. When it was my turn, I was told to get over it. I don't understand this.
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