I'm more and more convinced that I am unbalanced. At least after a bit of a cry and a rant, I feel much more stable when I do get a full nights sleep-
I am scared most of the time. I feel I need to be ready to explain myself- not defend, but explain, because my mistakes are catching up with me.
I am lonely most of the time. Giving out, without a balance of putting back in.
I feel left out, forgotten
I don't know what's going on with my friends
I feel avoided
I feel I have nothing to offer
I have lost inspiration to create.
I feel like I am not doing what I need to be doing to be a worth while friend- like I haven't earned fellowship.
I am grieving for the loss of my family, my business, my Shire, my household- all of which have faded in the last few years.
When I want to reach out, and take myself back, I am reluctant for fear of failing again.
I have no more faith. I put it all in my business, in the SCA and in RSC.
I find out later I have been not invited, and it's whispered like I was never meant to know. I feel abandoned by friends who didn't say that they were leaving. Two in particular who say they miss me while feeling more and more guarded on our rare visits.
I have so few people, I'm taking it harder than I should be. I am over reacting because I feel my circle getting smaller. I feel like I have forced people away without realizing it and I want that feeling to stop. I want to know the root cause. I ask what I need to do, and I have no reply, or mean ones that don't address the issue.
So much for clearing the air. Today, I decided to wipe all my slates. Clean house and deal with the 'it's been really bugging me' things that I have been accepting and just pushing down. So far it hasn't turned out well. Do what's best for you, I'm told- but I have rotten timing. Or something-
There's a bunch of people out there who owe me sincere public (or at least witnessed) apology. There are a bunch more who owe me sincere thanks.
There are bunch who's company was comforting and fun and moved the world who I feel separate from. I wonder if I am unbalanced? I need reassurances. I need faith. I need good news. I need joy and silliness.
I need to know I don't somehow deserve isolation: see Karma, see divine retribution-
I need to feel secure in the times that must happen that I am not forgotten, left behind. I've spent a lot of time on my own. You'd think I'd be used to it. Ok with it. But I'm not. I feel like I have to chase down company, grasp at people who want to be uncaught.
I take myself, and my hurts way too seriously, too much to heart.
I say the wrong thing at the wrong time and get blown up at.
Maybe Dad was right and sometimes turning the other cheek means walking away.
Maybe that friend was right when he said things run smoother because I was not around- one of those jokes that cuts to my bone, but will always make me wonder if there was truth to it, because it did unload smoother with out me.
One thing I know is when you start saying "everybody says/thinks/does..." it means you say/think/do...whatever it is.
People have been reaching out this week. I've been wrapped up in my own darkness to notice properly. Like the wounded animal, I snap before realizing. I disappoint myself when I do that and stay wounded. I can't heal because I am already hurt.
I still want to ball up and grieve for my Dad when I hear "Swing Low" and remember the walls singing as we all bellowed it our in our rooms last time my brothers and sisters were together. A time when, I found out later, I hurt people without knowing and was told it caused unfixable damage. Yet another example of should have been addressed at that moment before it was too late.
I want to grieve for the dreams my business held for me and the 'I can make anything' attitude- even though that got me in over my head on a few projects. I loved every minute of it, even when I hated it. I feel like the fact that it really was a full time job squeezed into 5 hours days was not understood or respected. I started being hurt by that attitude, and when I confronted people, I had it carefully explained how that didn't mean I had open days and could easily do things that could not happen with a real job-
I want to grieve the fact that things were so fucked up when they were babies that I couldn't enjoy those times that will never be again. I am angry at myself when I resent the boys when it was G who was the issue.
I want these things to be seen as real injuries. I want my sadness respected. I want my circumstances respected. I want to be poo-pooed. I want to be told not to worry- that people will come back. That I haven't been abandoned. That I haven't fucked up without knowing it. That it's not too late-
I want to be able to not feel like I have to speak and act perfectly as not to upset anyone.
I grieve most of not being me - river walking, rock climbing, beer swilling, sword swinging me- because I have my grown up responsibilities I need to tend. There are kids whose future depends on my doing the right thing. It's taking me a way too long time to use this grindstone for my nose instead of trying to come up with as many other uses for it as I can find.
It's my dreadful high maintenance side -The fear that I will look up and everyone has gone- left me behind and I could have prevented it, if I only knew I was supposed to- a piece of me that has always been there and a burden to have.
I hate being weak and insecure. I don't blame other people for making me feel this way. I blame myself for being so needy.
Sleep is finally coming. It's been almost 2 weeks of on and off sleeplessness. We'll see what the future brings- if I have cause harm tonight or not. And if it is fixable.
