Blue SIlk

I'm a huge fan of silk. I'm an even bigger fan of not paying full price for it. I have spent so much time working with fabrics that I can spot 100% and blends almost every time. I shop at Good Will. I run my fingers along the packed racks and can pull out 100% silk shirts for $3. Sometimes they are even in my size. If they are not, I have now awe of brand names, so I have no trouble at all with the idea of cutting apart a linen, silk, or wool garment to reclaim the fabric for other uses. It makes me feel very resourceful.
As luck would have it, a found a dark blue silk suit with lovely embroidered details on the jacket hem. I wore it to church on Sunday. I wore it with matching shoes, and the proper foundation wear and lingerie. I wore a black wool cloche hat. I wore white crocheted lace gloves and carried a clutch purse. I've dressed like when I was in my 20's. I have a drawer with elbow length gloves. I always wore full garters, fancy shoes, and I had few hats. I wore it because it was fun, like playing dress up.
I did not expect (nor realize until later) that today I felt so much better about myself . I wasn't dressed to the nine's since it was church, but it was my current Sunday best.
I felt strong. I felt like I was right. I felt like I had the authority to tell the girls in backless mini dresses that they were absolutely inappropriate for church. At least wear a shawl or little jacket. Even in front of their mom's who let them wear them.
I felt intelligent. I was positive that every one knew that I didn't have to rely on sex to get by- that I had know how, skills and the strength to make things happen- all with out having to show as much skin as possible. Tiny clothes mean a tiny mind. The wonderful thing about that is minds can grow. Your butt is no longer the only interesting thing about you. Your cleavage is not your resume'.
My absolute favorite part of dressing well and feeling well was four out of eight of my tattoos were clearly visible. All but one are behind me. I'm a different person coming and going. I've always been a fan of being a variation on a theme.

There might be an emotional point between recognizing my inner power and a superiority complex. If there is, it'll show itself. Until then, lead by example

jumping on the bandwagon

Ah me- insomnia is part of my daily routine. A wise person makes wise use of their time and takes advantage of opportunities as they come.

Strength- I want it- physically, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically.
I love being physically strong. I was not a tom girl (or was it boy) nor girlly girl. I was in between. I still am absolutely in between. I want to be able to throw a pack of shingles on the roof, fell trees and build whatever needs building. I want long, flowing gowns and long, flowing, curly hair. Strength and independence go hand in hand. I have to be physically fit to care for myself, my family and my property. I will not be helpless because something is heavy or difficult. I love watching old movies because the women are so strong. I love the tough broads- Rosie the Riveter types who rise to the challenge as if it were merely an annoyance like spoiled milk. Look at those photos from the 40's. They are perfectly made up and coiffed with a smile for the camera and hope in their eyes. And they never backed down. They took the shot gun off the wall, they threw boiling water, they stamped their feet and refused and insisted. They had curves and loved themselves for it. They knew they had power and strength by that love. Their clothes were to die for- glorious bias cut satin gowns, fun denim capries and knotted button down shirts and always the perfect shoe. Don't forget red lipstick and a hat, a lace hankie with a drop of perfume.
Pin up girls are strong and wonderful. Her image was on airplanes, on posters, everywhere. She was a bit risque' - sometimes very risque'- but not pornographic. She was alone. She was having fun. She was strong and doing just fine. She was virtuous by the strength in her fidelity.
My god speaks to me in a language that I understand. I also speak to my god in a language that can be understood coming from me. I can not pray with a French accent, nor should I try. I speak with smoke and fire and images in my mind. This is how we communicate most efficiently. It takes a long time to say things, but the conversation is there. Efficient and fast are not the same thing. The more I use my form of prayer, the more I feel the presence of god in my life; the more I see it others, the more I listen.
Scarbage- the mental junk you can't manage to throw away, even though you know it is useless
I watched commercials for Scientology as a child and thought it should be looked into. I have issues with some of Mr Hubbard's ideas. He's a bit of a chauvinist and I think he made poor vocab choices here and there. The theories work though. Auditing works. The most difficult part is that I have insomnia so much, that we can not do a session for my lack of good rest. Nonetheless, what we have been able to do, and what I hope we will be able to do again, has healing qualities. I'm looking forward to sleeping, so we can clear out all this- Scarbage that I know is there but can't find the handhold yet to throw it out.
I need to learn something. Anything. I have a quote from The Once and Future King by T.H. White. "The best thing to do for being sad is to learn something. It is the only thing that never fails." I do not know as much as I would like, and what I do know, I know well. I can't tell you a thing about the infernal contraption I am using right now, but I can tell you everything about the fabric I'm wearing. The more I know, the better I can apply my physical strength and know how to accomplish goals with intellect when muscle is not enough.

It's been 2 of the 3 hours I have been awake this night. I will now lay in bed doing isometric exercises while doing crossword puzzles in ink.

physically strong = independence
emotionally strong = virtue
spiritually strong = indelibly
psychologically strong = restful body and thought
intellectually strong = order and understanding

On Strength

Strength is that which endures. Strength holds up hearts and holds up buildings. Strength remains constant reliable truth. Strength maintains. God has given me strength.
But to grow, create, change, advance; this is courage. Courage pulls you into the unknown. Courage reaches unaware of the fear of falling. Courage is the means to the end.

God grant my courage. My prayers for strength have been answered in abundance. I have the strength to go on and on without change, continuing, feet firmly planted, holding up my orb of self with all this excess strength.
Bless me with the audacity of Moses, the daring of Joan, the dreams of Columbus, and the voice of a Suffragette. Bless me with the infinite possibilities that only courage can bring.
Bless me past the fear of falling.