Time to Grow up

I have to turn down another job offer because of cash flow. I am not amused. I'm pissed as hell. I hate being a grown up and having to think so much of the bottom line. I am encouraged to keep looking- to find the job when I feel productive and satisfied. I did. And I have to turn it down because it is half the hourly rate , AND half the hours. I'm the money and I have these boys to make sure have a better life than I did. I have to make sure they learn to push themselves- to take advantage of every ounce of education they can squeeze out of every brain they find. I have to make sure they don't grow up like me and one day decide "Today I will grow old because I can no longer dream or hope for something better for myself". I was never taught these things. I did not have anyone to believe in me, to talk to, to guide me. And now that I am lost, I will have to be their guide. It's too late for me. I will stay at my current employ. I will grow old and humorless, but by God they will not be like me. Patrick said he wanted to be like me when he was about 4 years old. He said I was strong- like a mermaid. When he was older he said if he were a hero, he would be a child of Athena. I have no idea who he is talking about. I had to give up being that person. Today, I am no hero. Today, I got old and grew up. No more dreams for me, just for them.

Button Makers

I am in need of a pep talk today. From reading some of the rest of us, we all could use a line or two.

When I was awarded my Companion of the Argent Rapier, I was told it was because I teach women to fight- to be stronger. I have never forgotten this reason and I take it as an important responsibility. I must often remind myself that I promised to live up to that band on my arm. Promises mean more when you say them out loud. You have a witness to make your truth binding and unchangeable. A promise is a choice. I presented a choice to the women in my immediate life. I asked my students, my friends, my sister-mentors to make a promise, to me, to whomever, but most importantly to themselves
To learn to be
to teach to be
and to remain
Ever Stronger

We made buttons with our own little hands as tangible proof of word. These buttons were given to the keeping of the woman who gave me that award several years ago. I could use a view of those buttons inside that carved wooden box to remind me that no matter how defeated I feel today, I will persevere; A magical replenishment of my choice to remain Ever Stronger, a promise made out loud, and physical, unbreakable. I would reach my finger tips in to touch my words made so much stronger by the words of my sisters building up steam rolling around on a pillow of velvet. So much power is so small a thing. Like me-

To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far

To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this
That one woman, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with her last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star