the lion within
I have an admittedly hard time knowing the fine line difference between confidence and arrogance. The minute I realize I am describing myself in a congratulatory way, I feel I am that shameful descriptor- Show Off. (remember, no one likes a show off) and my confidence fails, my lion with a thorn in her paw. When I am aware that I feel confident in a skill, I fail. When I am absolutely sure I know what I am talking about, I am wrong. When it doesn't feel like anything out of the ordinary, it's all good. When I think - hey- this was a pretty darn good .....smack!
I do not like it. I am constantly struggling with it. I have been consciously and somewhat unconsciously holding things back and in more and more.
I listen over the cubical walls and I think there is something better- more intelligent- more creative to me and to my friends. I think I must be stuck up to think so. I think about the life I have led and their "35 years of dedicated service" plaques. I keep very quiet and to myself as much as possible. To paraphrase Mr Twain- better to keep your mouth shut and appear a stuck up bitch, then to open it and remove all doubt. And I roar at my sister's memory when she said I was too stuck up and that's why no body likes me. And in the echo I wonder if there is any truth to it.
Where is the line between confidence and arrogance, I wonder? Today I do not know. In a day or two, I will be sure I do. All I am sure of is there is a cyclical quality to my feeling this way about myself. And I don't like not knowing.
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