Please let the first day of change stick this time-

There is a day of contemplation- of finding the twists and turns and being so very angry at the people that lead you the wrong way while telling you they love you. Then you become ashamed that you listened to them instead of yourself. You trusted them instead of your inner voice screaming. You notice how it paralyzes you completely. The frustrations of friends and family feed the shame. You tune them out to get it together. You know in your brain that what they think doesn't matter when they only know a small potion of the story. But you heart knows it does. It's been more nearly half your life since you have been your own soul- potions here and there along the way, but not completely- not in 25 years- more than half your life- because of those wrong turns taken by people who believed they were doing the right thing comparing you, goading you, admitting they lead you purposely wrongly then wondering why you felt helpless and hopeless. You have a day like that and you start cleaning out your dresser. You throw out the threadbare and stained and too small shirts that have always been there. You finally throw them out. You don't have to keep them, just because they have always been there. You get rid of the shirts you should keep because they are good shirts and will keep you warm- doesn't matter if you hate the style. You get rid of those. You start folding what's left and it's surprising when you find a shirt you absolutely loved, you feel sexy in and it actually looks good on you. How could you have forgotten you favorite shirt, crammed and wadded under the ones long overdue to be throw out, gotten rid of, given back, just gone? Look at all that room for your favorite shirt- that makes you feel like you- that you now remember-

Good Shepherd Sunday

On Sheep- Sheep are helpless. Their only defense is to run faster than their brothers, sister, offspring. Sheep cannot protect themselves. Despite that, and with no effort beyond how it was created, sheep give of themselves to an even more helpless being; Man- a being who is incapable of producing anything usable of itself. Sheep clothe and feed man, though effort is needed to create the result. The raw materials are replenished and repeated until mankind can perfect the gifts given by helpless sheep. We as Christians are like sheep. We have a renewable resource to offer the even more helpless through our faith and generosity- to feed and clothe those who cannot produce of themselves. The herd must move, must change. It can not stay in the same place or it will destroy that which feeds it. It will befoul the water. The flock will die if does not continue to seek out a way to healthy lands. The shepherd see the flock's destination through forethought, experience, and intellect. The flock is unable to see as far as the shepherd. A shepherd cannot hope to accomplish this task alone. Dogs of similar size and shape guide the sheep. They can not be expected to give exact directions. They can not anticipate every gopher hole, hidden cliffs. Sheep dogs suggest, they encourage a direction for the flock. The dogs protect the flock, standing between them and danger defending because it knows the sheep are indeed vulnerable. When the shepherd is unavailable, he trusts his dogs to do their job in his place. The Shepherd has faith the sheep will be kept safe until his return.

Answer the question-

The group was asked "How do you want to die?" The consensus answer was "Surrounded by friends and loved ones." That does not answer the question; That is WHERE, not HOW. I want to die with the ability to have actually forgive others as well as myself. - to have reached my true goals and lived as I had been created to be. There is violence to the soul when these things are ignored. The group leader read an article about the convent in New York where aging clergy live out their last days. On the whole, the dying were of a sounder mind than most, required notable less pain killers, and other meds, and did indeed die peacefully. They had followed their chosen part, difficult as it was and been themselves. How do I want to die? With the satisfied peace of myself. The method, time, and place mean nothing.

Master of most

I am in need of a master in the old sense of the word. I need a guide and mentor. There have been times when I have expressed my need in a lot of different categories. I search for a spiritual mentor, especially in terms of my supernatural tendencies and tend to encounter folks who say "Yeah, me too- and then continue to tell me how their experiences were more significant than mine. Or they nod and patronize me-amused at my inexperience and smug in theirs. I search for a costume/clothing mentor, and they say I'm doing it wrong because it is not their way. Like the old Chinese man in the wood- I need someone who sees that I want to know and is confident enough in their own skills to not worry if mine are or become greater. The key may being finding someone who is not emotionally invested in the outcome. And by emotionally invested, I mean someone who will not feel they are less if I excel. Makes me sound arrogant doesn't it? Well ask me if I care- It's the energy I can feel coming from who I ask-

challenge from Joel Davis:

Essay question of the day: Is it easier to pick up nuns or bartenders? Discuss in 200 words or less.

My vote is with nuns. A bartender, especially an experienced one, knows bullshit when she sees it and, in fact, expects it from any man who knows she is a bartender. A nun on the other hand, has a zest and love of life that that does not always sense an ulterior motive. (I am using my Aunt Mary as a base comparison here)

I am what I say I am-

my definitions because of my job:

I am dedicated. I can stick with the job and get it done.
I am ingenious. When it needs to get done, I'll use what's available to make it happen.

I am creative.

I can lead crews. I can anticipate production needs


I can teach. There is appeal in teaching an individual skills and practices that can begin change on a community level, then to a county one.

Time to Grow up

I have to turn down another job offer because of cash flow. I am not amused. I'm pissed as hell. I hate being a grown up and having to think so much of the bottom line. I am encouraged to keep looking- to find the job when I feel productive and satisfied. I did. And I have to turn it down because it is half the hourly rate , AND half the hours. I'm the money and I have these boys to make sure have a better life than I did. I have to make sure they learn to push themselves- to take advantage of every ounce of education they can squeeze out of every brain they find. I have to make sure they don't grow up like me and one day decide "Today I will grow old because I can no longer dream or hope for something better for myself". I was never taught these things. I did not have anyone to believe in me, to talk to, to guide me. And now that I am lost, I will have to be their guide. It's too late for me. I will stay at my current employ. I will grow old and humorless, but by God they will not be like me. Patrick said he wanted to be like me when he was about 4 years old. He said I was strong- like a mermaid. When he was older he said if he were a hero, he would be a child of Athena. I have no idea who he is talking about. I had to give up being that person. Today, I am no hero. Today, I got old and grew up. No more dreams for me, just for them.

every morning

when it effects your sleep- like insomnia or nightmares when it effects you self image when your talents are unused and forgotten when it effects you ability to interact with you family and children you gain weight, have stomach pains, and basic health is compromised you shut down emotionally and spiritually, because who you know you are is not ok where you are If it is a relationship, you are encouraged to out- even helped If it is a job, you are supposed to be grateful you have it, look on the bright side and ignore the bad parts, endure it, and convince yourself it's not that bad. off to work I go-

An artist is born with a heart half broken. Life and it's trials can increase that proportion. It can never be lower than half- except for when we are engaged in our art. The greatest hurt comes from those who do not respect this fact, who tell us our problems are not real, we should be glad for what we have, or just how it could be worse. It can be no worse than knowing yourself, knowing your place, and exactly how that place connects you to God and not being able to be there.

Body Talk

I suited up in my rapier armor for the first time in a very long time. It took a great deal of effort. A full time desk job has taken a huge toll on my body. I fit in want ever exercise I can, when I can. Sometimes. We had started P90-X, stuck with it for 3 straight weeks and I was starting to feel and see results, not only in how I looked, but in how powerful and in control of my own body I felt. It was easy to stop and hard to start again for one simple reason.
I hate all exercise videos. Using one is an unequal compromise. Videos (and gyms, for that matter) can't help me. Self image is the same as faith- the intent determines the outcome. It taints or tints it.
When I put in a video, there is no real goal to me. The movements feel purposeless. I focus on feel the burn and pain. I feel compared and unsuccessful. At the end of it, I have gone no where. My scenery hasn't changed. My body is tainted with the feeling that I have wasted my time. I can not perceive that I have actually done anything. And my efforts at fitness are only marginally successful.
When I ride my bike, I focus on reaching and pushing- make it to the top despite the burn and the pain. I have a tangible goal to focus on. When I climb up a boulder, or a waterfall, when I hit the target 10 times in a row, when I set out and I get there, achievement tints my self image. The body that follows shows that. I had always maintained that a muscles made from baling hay were far more sexy than the ones from a gym. The goal tints them. Makes them shine.
I am not a body builder. I know for some the reps and quantity are the goal. It plain old isn't so with me.
Climb every mountain
Swim every sea
I have conflict because my full time job means precious little time with family and even less to do things like mow the lawn. It is hard to walk away from my moments with them. There has got to be a way for a mom to find balance. And be forgiven for doing so.