Please let the first day of change stick this time-

There is a day of contemplation- of finding the twists and turns and being so very angry at the people that lead you the wrong way while telling you they love you. Then you become ashamed that you listened to them instead of yourself. You trusted them instead of your inner voice screaming. You notice how it paralyzes you completely. The frustrations of friends and family feed the shame. You tune them out to get it together. You know in your brain that what they think doesn't matter when they only know a small potion of the story. But you heart knows it does. It's been more nearly half your life since you have been your own soul- potions here and there along the way, but not completely- not in 25 years- more than half your life- because of those wrong turns taken by people who believed they were doing the right thing comparing you, goading you, admitting they lead you purposely wrongly then wondering why you felt helpless and hopeless. You have a day like that and you start cleaning out your dresser. You throw out the threadbare and stained and too small shirts that have always been there. You finally throw them out. You don't have to keep them, just because they have always been there. You get rid of the shirts you should keep because they are good shirts and will keep you warm- doesn't matter if you hate the style. You get rid of those. You start folding what's left and it's surprising when you find a shirt you absolutely loved, you feel sexy in and it actually looks good on you. How could you have forgotten you favorite shirt, crammed and wadded under the ones long overdue to be throw out, gotten rid of, given back, just gone? Look at all that room for your favorite shirt- that makes you feel like you- that you now remember-

that which is not accepable

My work consists of telling people why they are wrong.
I have to tell people no and give them bad news.
Good customer service consists of spending as little time as possible with people.
I produce nothing.
I am accountable for things that I am not supposed to review.
As a government employee, I can not defend when racial or religious slurs are said to me. Nor can I defend myself when some one is aggressive verbally. Nor can I say a thing to the man who slaps his infant in front of me and yells "no hitting" when the 1 year old was just waving his arms around. As a government employee, I have to hold my tongue when the mother in front of me calls their toddler stupid and useless.

In the first few weeks, I had compassion and an eagerness to make sure paperwork was in order for the benefit of the customer. This is not necessarily office policy.
Go call your insurance company. I'll be over here eating paint.
I try to focus on the notable people of the day. I met a man today who is doing what I would love to be doing- restoring historic buildings. I met a man who was so moved by the wonder of seeing his own child in an ultrasound, he is near graduating with his MA degree so he can share that experience with others daily as a tech. I have to focus on these people. It's these few that my gut tells me to chat with that get me through. I come home and leave everything at the office. That part is easy because I am nothing there. I know myself so well now. I am reassured in my knowing. I am looking to reviving.
On Monday, I had a moment when I was arguing with a customer about his due date. The expiration is on the bill twice. It's not my problem if you wife did not read it. Something popped in my heart/ brain connection. I actually heard it- like when a tendon is torn from bone. I could see the whitish connective band frayed and ricocheting in my mind's eye. I had become the grey of a government employee. I put Black 47's 'James Connolly' on repeat in my car-
"It's better to die like a man on you feet than like a slave bound in chains-"
I searched out that man's restoration business when I got home today. We all have asked at what point is enough enough? Why, when we decide it is, my love. That which is not acceptable can only be for so long. I need more because I am more.

Almost poetry

I laid down and cried today.
broken cars, broken window, broken tree

I had no answers, no solutions, and no plan to repair the imperfections in my life. My eyes burned with bitterness and my head ached while I listed off the reasons for my sorrows today. I am out of hope and faith. In a pause in the tears I prayed not for a bail out. I prayed- "Teach me to fish, so I can eat for more than one day"
I was deeply reassured by the words of an angel that it will be.
I cried again and felt happiness as a reflection off the drops of dispare.

Life is not strong unless it has something to reach for- My own words. My own tears a salty rain pouring in large circles around my garden self-

I have no answers, no solutions, and no plan. I have a ring of faith to reach for. Trust is the key to having an adventure-